I was offered a small writing assignment, yesterday, during a committee meeting for Hack Jersey. It took some convincing (and much-appreciated praise) from Debbie Galant and others after I childishly groaned and declared that I “hate writing so hard.” After the meeting, Debbie asked me what I hated so much about writing, but I had no real acceptable (to me) answer. A couple of things did come to mind, though.

I don’t like writing opinion pieces because I’m afraid of making people feel bad about themselves.

I always thought that if I write only humor, like I do for Baristanet on occasion, then I’m less likely to make someone feel like I’m judging the way they do something. I’m especially sensitive to this because of, strangely enough, “mommy blogs.” Since I work for Barista Kids, I am regularly introduced to all the issues modern parents face, and one thing I’ve found is that many parent bloggers (not ours necessarily) like to preach their style of parenting as “the best.” I think the worst thing you can tell someone is that they’re not raising their children The Right Way™ and I think I’m too afraid of making someone feel bad about themselves – which is bizarre, since I’m obviously not a parent blogger.

Standardized tests have always told me I was really good at math, but not so hot at reading, speaking, and writing.

I grew up getting really good grades in all of the subjects, but the SAT and GRE have both told me, and basically every college, that I’m inept when it comes to anything “verbal.” Ok, I guess “inept” is harsh. I’m embarrassed for letting those tests affect my confidence, especially because I think black-and-white academic labeling is definitely a big part of why girls don’t get into STEM. By letting the same psychology affect me, it’s like I’m part of the problem and that grosses me out.

No one cares what a young woman like me has to say.

This is the hardest one to write about, because I know exactly where this idea comes from and it’s from my ex-stepmother. I grew up with her telling me that my opinions didn’t matter and that I’ll always be a child. Of course, I know this isn’t true, but then again I often find myself unworthy in a job, or even just a room, surrounded by people who are older than me and have lots of experience in their careers. Many of my friends and colleagues are accomplished writers or technologists, so why would I bother pretending I can do what they do? I don’t talk about this much, because–to bring back the first matter–I’m afraid of offending my friends and colleagues by reminding them that I’m younger than they are and that it sometimes makes me feel bad about myself.

Starting tonight, though, I’m going to try to work on these issues that I have with writing and with my self-confidence in general. I’m going to stop pretending that I can please everyone, yet still be mindful of other people’s opinions and feelings (that’s just my style). I’m also going to stop letting stupid exams and my age define me or make me feel like an impostor.

PS. If you local jerks haven’t already, sign up for Hack Jersey, which happens the weekend of January 25th!

3 notes • leave another